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| If you work with preemie families or belong to a multiples support group, you may someday encounter a bereaved parent of multiples. As someone who understands the crisis of premature birth or the magic of multiple babies, you'll want to help, but you may not know how. Based on suggestions from grieving parents and experts in parental grief, here are some suggestions:
Acknowledge the parents' loss. Good things to say: "What can I do for you?" "I'm sorry," and "I'm here, and I want to listen." If parents named the baby, use the name. Refer to the survivors as the original number of babies ("triplets" if two survived, or "twins" if one survived). Find helpful resources. Locate bereavement support groups and literature for parents who probably don't have the energy to seek help themselves. A good starting point is The Center for Loss in Multiple Birth (CLIMB) Give a gift. When giving a new-baby present, take along a gift that acknowledges the loss. Thoughtful ideas include a figurine of animals or children that represents and affirms parenthood of all the babies (for example, three teddy bears for triplets), a memorial tree for planting, or a donation to a bereaved parents' support group. Think before you speak. Though perhaps well intentioned, avoid making such comments as "At least you have another baby" and "It would have been too hard to raise quadruplets anyway." Remember the baby. Send a card, a small gift, or call the parents on holidays and anniversaries of their baby's birth and death. Amy E. Tracy is the co-author of Your Premature Baby and Child (Berkley, 1999) and the author of The Pregnancy Bed Rest Book (Berkley, 2001).
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